I just returned from a four day camping trip to Big Bend in west Texas, and I find myself mostly speechless in describing what happened to my grip on the world, and my heart, after standing next to such massive stone formations, under a sky filled with stars, and beside a lovely man. As much as it pained me to admit it, I realized that I've been a stranger to myself for a long time. I'm sure this is completely normal given the changes that have occurred since 2007. Specifically, since the last time I smoked a cigarette on March 14th, 2007, at approximately 10pm. I stepped off a cliff that night, into a very unknown world and it's been a steady succession of metaphorical cliff jumping, into many different unknowns, over the last four years.
Given all this free falling I've been doing, I had forgotten what the ground felt like, until this weekend. A switch, a light, an eversoslight shift occurred in my brain somewhere outside Alpine, Texas, during which my gaze turned from "what's next" to "right now" and I felt the ground for the first time in years.
It feels like home.
Ok 2011, here's my intention:
I'm going to stare out into the wide expanse that is January through December, much like I stared out at the mountains and stars in Big Bend, take many, many deep breaths, and allow whatever is coming to come. When I look up at the stars, I'll remember that behind the light pollution it looks like this. I will remember that the most profound experiences, the ones that will enrich my old age, often come without guarantees. Their outcomes will vary wildly, going beyond adjectives like good and bad, they will require me to be confident in my vulnerability and unafraid of the next day. I will remember where I started, how long it has taken me to get here, and have the patience to allow this life to unfold without force or unnecessary friction.
If all hell breaks loose again, for the fourth year in a row, I'll deal the best I can and remind myself that the expectation is not for things to get easier, but that I become better.
“If you will call your troubles experiences, and remember that every experience develops some latent force within you, you will grow vigorous and happy, however adverse your circumstances may seem to be.” ~John Heywood
Happy New Year, friends.
4 comments:
Great post Erika. Grounded is a great place to be! So is Big Bend on a clear night... always an excellent experience!
Happy New Year!
I just quoted you on FB this was so beautiful
That, Erika Jeanne, made me smile. Welcome back.
Well said, friend! that was really beautiful :)
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