"Even the bad shit is a gift."
-Evelyn Lepore
Happy Birthday Eve, you are missed.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Fix
I feel like time is compounding on itself these days. That combined with a couple of good friends experiencing serious upheaval AND the upcoming two year anniversary of my step father's death....
It's a recipe for some serious existential thoughts while driving.
Lots of thinking about paths that are thrust upon us and mourning the death of a life trajectory that was being worked for, planned for..... expected to be. It's quite the mind fucker. It hurts. It takes the wind. It takes our purpose. It takes many things.
It leaves nothing in its wake. Nothing. Just a bunch of empty holes, a large emotional wound to heal, fear, and the horrible question of "What the hell am I supposed to do now?"
The obvious answer is HEAL, BITCH HEAL! But seriously, it's not that easy. And the motivation to crawl into the fetal position with a bottle of whiskey and a frowny face has the tenacity of a five year old on a sugar high. It's INTENSE.
But, you get back out there in the world regardless. One foot in front of the other. You become ok with being the awkward one that might burst into tears randomly, or say something that makes the crowd cringe. You release yourself from obligations that stress you out. You learn what you care about and what you really don't care about. You reconnect with parts of yourself that became clouded and hidden under daily obligations, meaningless tasks and disapproval from a significant other.
And, you grow the fuck up. Again.
If I had a dime for every moment I said "Dear Hindsight, I hate you" I'd be blinged out and halfway to Bali.
Anyway, I'm not sure who reads this blog, but if you are in the midst of a major life upheaval know that, yes, it will eventually be ok. But beyond the cliched statements and anecdotes on personal growth, what you find down there at your absolute bottom is probably the most precious part of who you are. You should pick it up and hold it tight while you climb back up to the top, because everyone who loves you is dying to see it. Also, fix yourself along the way. When you find an empty hole, fill it with something that will assist you.
As my dear friend Trashbomb so eloquently phrased it:
"Sometimes life sucks at life." And while life is sucking at life, you may as well take a commercial break to fix yer broken shit.
/existential pep talk
It's a recipe for some serious existential thoughts while driving.
Lots of thinking about paths that are thrust upon us and mourning the death of a life trajectory that was being worked for, planned for..... expected to be. It's quite the mind fucker. It hurts. It takes the wind. It takes our purpose. It takes many things.
It leaves nothing in its wake. Nothing. Just a bunch of empty holes, a large emotional wound to heal, fear, and the horrible question of "What the hell am I supposed to do now?"
The obvious answer is HEAL, BITCH HEAL! But seriously, it's not that easy. And the motivation to crawl into the fetal position with a bottle of whiskey and a frowny face has the tenacity of a five year old on a sugar high. It's INTENSE.
But, you get back out there in the world regardless. One foot in front of the other. You become ok with being the awkward one that might burst into tears randomly, or say something that makes the crowd cringe. You release yourself from obligations that stress you out. You learn what you care about and what you really don't care about. You reconnect with parts of yourself that became clouded and hidden under daily obligations, meaningless tasks and disapproval from a significant other.
And, you grow the fuck up. Again.
If I had a dime for every moment I said "Dear Hindsight, I hate you" I'd be blinged out and halfway to Bali.
Anyway, I'm not sure who reads this blog, but if you are in the midst of a major life upheaval know that, yes, it will eventually be ok. But beyond the cliched statements and anecdotes on personal growth, what you find down there at your absolute bottom is probably the most precious part of who you are. You should pick it up and hold it tight while you climb back up to the top, because everyone who loves you is dying to see it. Also, fix yourself along the way. When you find an empty hole, fill it with something that will assist you.
As my dear friend Trashbomb so eloquently phrased it:
"Sometimes life sucks at life." And while life is sucking at life, you may as well take a commercial break to fix yer broken shit.
/existential pep talk
Friday, October 22, 2010
Snatchlife!
Today is the soft launch of Snatchlife! Tshirt designs for Crossfitters and others who can appreciate my ridiculous sense of humor.
For now, the unicorn design is the only one available, BUT it's just the first of many to come.
Plant a little seed, water it and wait.
SNATCHLIFE!
***********SUPERAWESOME UPDATE!
More designs are uploaded AND I'm waiting on vector graphic approval which means MORE AMAZING THINGS ON THE WAY.... go see! go see!!!
For now, the unicorn design is the only one available, BUT it's just the first of many to come.
Plant a little seed, water it and wait.
SNATCHLIFE!
***********SUPERAWESOME UPDATE!
More designs are uploaded AND I'm waiting on vector graphic approval which means MORE AMAZING THINGS ON THE WAY.... go see! go see!!!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Wind Reclaimation
Remember being a kid and having the wind knocked out of you? I fell on my back a lot as a child, and found myself staring up at the clouds gasping for breath more often than not. I'll never forget the first time: it was at our house on Hilltop Street in Austin, I was four years old and ran towards a trapeze that was hanging from a tree limb in the front yard. My hands slipped and I fell, back flat to the ground, wind, gone. The passing seconds felt like hours, and I was completely terrified by my inability to breathe. But then, gradually, my wind returned, my tears dried up, and I reached up and grabbed the trapeze to play.
I didn't avoid the next opportunity to play on the trapeze, or monkey bars, or tree limb, or car fender, or banister because at some point or another, my footing slipped and I found myself on my back gasping for air. It happened often enough that I eventually stopped being afraid. I knew the routine: fall, gaspgaspgasp, gaspgasp, gasp, gasp, breathe. (If you have seen my shins, you'll know that my swan-like grace is still being honed. One day, people, one day....)
AnyI'llalwaysbeafuckingsevenyearoldwithbruises...
My wind is coming back and it's not discriminating, it's all encompassing and filling every dried up and gasping part of my life. I'm being reminded, yet again, that the healing cycle is autonomous if allowed. There is no need to fight, push, or force. Being present and aware is adequate enough. The path I had placed myself on years ago was not the right one, and if there is one thing I can say with complete certainty, it's that I'm thankful beyond words that my life fell apart and I lost my wind.
Soon, it will be November, which marks two years have passed since my stepdad died. We have plans on putting him to rest in the gulf, where he and my mom fished often over the years they were married. I'm thankful for a legion of things, but mostly for having a mother who is capable of staring straight into the heart of white-hot grief and refusing to give up her optimism. Thanks, Mom.
I didn't avoid the next opportunity to play on the trapeze, or monkey bars, or tree limb, or car fender, or banister because at some point or another, my footing slipped and I found myself on my back gasping for air. It happened often enough that I eventually stopped being afraid. I knew the routine: fall, gaspgaspgasp, gaspgasp, gasp, gasp, breathe. (If you have seen my shins, you'll know that my swan-like grace is still being honed. One day, people, one day....)
AnyI'llalwaysbeafuckingsevenyearoldwithbruises...
My wind is coming back and it's not discriminating, it's all encompassing and filling every dried up and gasping part of my life. I'm being reminded, yet again, that the healing cycle is autonomous if allowed. There is no need to fight, push, or force. Being present and aware is adequate enough. The path I had placed myself on years ago was not the right one, and if there is one thing I can say with complete certainty, it's that I'm thankful beyond words that my life fell apart and I lost my wind.
Soon, it will be November, which marks two years have passed since my stepdad died. We have plans on putting him to rest in the gulf, where he and my mom fished often over the years they were married. I'm thankful for a legion of things, but mostly for having a mother who is capable of staring straight into the heart of white-hot grief and refusing to give up her optimism. Thanks, Mom.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Pedagogy and the Pursuit of
If you've known me for at least six years, you'll remember how many times I've tried to go back to school for my graduate degree. My brother (younger) received his last year and while I was overflowing with so much pride and love for him, I was limemotherfuckinggreen with envy.
Education was the most important thing in my house growing up. Everything was structured around learning: punishments, eating, younameit. The lessons were everywhere, the underhanded, surprise epiphanies were often and I think I was the only kid I ever knew who had to write papers on growing up and being responsible as punishment for being a little asshole. I heard "let the punishment fit the crime" so much, I have a Pavlovian eye roll response.
A few weeks ago I was blessed with the opportunity to substitute teach an art class at The Griffin School, an arts-focused college prep school. Suffice to say I'm completely in love with it, the energy from the kids is so invigorating, and it's resonating so much with who I am that I'm starting a teaching certification hoping to land my ass back in school by the new year. Grad school is absolutely on this path, but I'm not solidifying that plan just yet.
Hey Beth, I think I found the right tone for that tuning fork....
And, one day....
Education was the most important thing in my house growing up. Everything was structured around learning: punishments, eating, younameit. The lessons were everywhere, the underhanded, surprise epiphanies were often and I think I was the only kid I ever knew who had to write papers on growing up and being responsible as punishment for being a little asshole. I heard "let the punishment fit the crime" so much, I have a Pavlovian eye roll response.
A few weeks ago I was blessed with the opportunity to substitute teach an art class at The Griffin School, an arts-focused college prep school. Suffice to say I'm completely in love with it, the energy from the kids is so invigorating, and it's resonating so much with who I am that I'm starting a teaching certification hoping to land my ass back in school by the new year. Grad school is absolutely on this path, but I'm not solidifying that plan just yet.
Hey Beth, I think I found the right tone for that tuning fork....
And, one day....
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Lesson of the Day
If you have the ability to desire it, the Universe has the ability to
deliver it. You've just got to line up with what you want, which means -
be as happy as you can be as often as you can be there, and let everything
else take care of itself.
- Abraham
Also worthy... "without darkness you'd never see the stars."
And just to balance the existentialism with some ridiculousness, hop over to Fuck You, Penguin. He hasn't updated in a looong time and I'm still laughing my ass off at the same posts. Yes, I am actually 8 years old. Don't hate.
deliver it. You've just got to line up with what you want, which means -
be as happy as you can be as often as you can be there, and let everything
else take care of itself.
- Abraham
Also worthy... "without darkness you'd never see the stars."
And just to balance the existentialism with some ridiculousness, hop over to Fuck You, Penguin. He hasn't updated in a looong time and I'm still laughing my ass off at the same posts. Yes, I am actually 8 years old. Don't hate.
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