Fix

I feel like time is compounding on itself these days. That combined with a couple of good friends experiencing serious upheaval AND the upcoming two year anniversary of my step father's death....

It's a recipe for some serious existential thoughts while driving.

Lots of thinking about paths that are thrust upon us and mourning the death of a life trajectory that was being worked for, planned for..... expected to be. It's quite the mind fucker. It hurts. It takes the wind. It takes our purpose. It takes many things.

It leaves nothing in its wake. Nothing. Just a bunch of empty holes, a large emotional wound to heal, fear, and the horrible question of "What the hell am I supposed to do now?"

The obvious answer is HEAL, BITCH HEAL! But seriously, it's not that easy. And the motivation to crawl into the fetal position with a bottle of whiskey and a frowny face has the tenacity of a five year old on a sugar high. It's INTENSE.

But, you get back out there in the world regardless. One foot in front of the other. You become ok with being the awkward one that might burst into tears randomly, or say something that makes the crowd cringe. You release yourself from obligations that stress you out. You learn what you care about and what you really don't care about. You reconnect with parts of yourself that became clouded and hidden under daily obligations, meaningless tasks and disapproval from a significant other.

And, you grow the fuck up. Again.

If I had a dime for every moment I said "Dear Hindsight, I hate you" I'd be blinged out and halfway to Bali.

Anyway, I'm not sure who reads this blog, but if you are in the midst of a major life upheaval know that, yes, it will eventually be ok. But beyond the cliched statements and anecdotes on personal growth, what you find down there at your absolute bottom is probably the most precious part of who you are. You should pick it up and hold it tight while you climb back up to the top, because everyone who loves you is dying to see it. Also, fix yourself along the way. When you find an empty hole, fill it with something that will assist you.

As my dear friend Trashbomb so eloquently phrased it:

"Sometimes life sucks at life." And while life is sucking at life, you may as well take a commercial break to fix yer broken shit.


/existential pep talk